saturn town

a sense of springtime

On Change

around late february, i detect a shift in the air that indicates springtime is around. even if the cold isn’t completely gone, the air smells different; it’s softer, thinner, lighter, more fragrant.

spring often symbolizes regrowth as trees begin to leaf again. it’s a time to re-evaluate and instill change in one’s life. lately, i’ve been getting the sense that i need to make some changes. i can put down the things that are no longer serving me or making me happy. i can come back to them, it doesn’t have to be permanent, just like the winter will come again. still, there’s a hesitation as there are many hobbies and friend groups i have “put back in the box” and not returned to. so, there’s a bittersweet sense of knowing i would prefer to leave some things alone, but also knowing i might not come back to it.

if i am having this somber feeling, why give them up? if i haven’t returned to the things i’ve left in the past, i must not be ready for that - so why the sadness?

each assertion is true. still, i am determined to put down some old habits, old instincts, hobbies; the circles of people who i intersect with who do not bring out in me the type of person i wish to be. on its own, this statement gives me a sense of determination and hope.

On Ritual

similarly, i have been thinking of ritual. actually, a lot, in the last several years; included in this post are some unrefined and unpublished thoughts from the beginning of 2022. the kind of ritual where one is focused on the importance of a moment. there is a sense of profundity that follows. a welling-up behind the eyes, when something is beautiful, or meaningful. romanticised though it is, i can’t help but chase this.

i find the routine appealing. a feeling of the sacrosanct; that what you are doing or are involved in is important, and can still be lighthearted. stimulation of the senses is also a factor. how many can be utilized at once? tending to flowers, or a small garden, can be profound. approaching the task with a solemness is what i miss most, i think. there’s not much room for solemnity in my day-to-day.

the most regular habit i perform is making my bed. i’ve been doing this nearly every day, the exceptions being the odd sick day when i’m spending most or all day in bed, since late 2015. it feels dutiful; it feels good to cross something off of my mental to-do list first thing in the morning, and it’s a favor for future-hermit to pull back the duvet and crawl into a comfortable space after i retire for the evening.

another is my morning coffee. i’ve scaled down to just one cup a day, recently, but, for better or worse, i must have it or risk a headache from missing a dose of caffeine. so, i make an effort to do this each day, mindfully, rather than chorefully. as an aside, this is largely why i have moved to single-cup brewing methods (recently i am enjoying the aeropress).

until i began working remotely from home, i took two walks daily around the office complex: one at 10:30am, and one at 2:30pm. i still try to walk working from home, but it is somehow more difficult to do this at a set time than it was when i sat in a cubicle.

all this to say, i’m looking to incorporate more meaning into the mundane. i’d like to play music on a small pocket instrument; perhaps something i make by hand, even. the use of candles/incense while meditating, tending to plants, perhaps with a small water fountain or other feature to produce ambient background noise. such a scene is an example of the types of things i’m thinking. it’s curated in that instagram-way if one were to make a show of it, but that’s not at all the intent. it sounds like it could be peaceful to me, if i go slow.